UCN Sample DailyPrep

Welcome to Universal Comedy Network’s Sample Prep. This UCN DailyPost example outlines everything you will get on a daily basis from UCN. With UCN, you get all of the following at your fingertips each and every morning: Song parodies, commercial parodies, celebrity interactives, daily audio features and pages upon pages of topical written prep – including one-liners, celebrity gossip, music news, sports, trivia and more! Please take a look around and tell us what you think! If you’d like a free trial, click the banner below. Thank you for checking out UCN!

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UCN DailyPrep for Monday, August 8, 2016

Today’s Audio

Summer Olympic Theme 2016

Song Parody
It's a biennial UCN tradition to write lyrics to the instrumental Olympic theme song. This is our take on the 2016 Summer Games.




Hillary’s the Devil

Commercial Parody
Donald Trump has come right out and said that Hillary Clinton is the devil. Now he's going a step further by compiling this CD of hit songs about his devilish rival. Take it away, Donald!




Pokémon Go Do’s and Don’ts

Drop In
Some Pokémon Go players are getting a little too excited and searching for Pokémon in rather inappropriate places - like the lobby of the Holocaust Museum in DC or Ground Zero in Manhattan. As a public service, give your listeners a primer on Pokémon Go etiquette with this list of Dos and Don'ts.




Shopping at the Walmart

Song Parody: Brownsville Station - Smoking in the Boys Room
Many states are offering tax-free back-to-school shopping days. It's great news for parents, but shopping for new school clothes and supplies is never any fun for the kids. This parody of a song everyone knows tells the tale from the student's perspective.





In Case You Missed It – From the UCN Archive

Welcome to Rio Airport Announcement

Drop In
Things are a real mess in Rio de Janeiro as opening ceremonies for the Summer Olympics are Friday. If you're planning to attend, this is the announcement you'll hear as you exit the plane before heading right back to the ticket counter!



Found Sound



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Written Prep for Monday, August 8, 2016

UCN Written Prep

Monday, August 8, 2016

Quick Links

Use these links to quickly jump to a section below!
Today’s One-Liners
Celebrity News
Music News
Water Cooler Talk
Our Weird World
Lifestyles
Who Am I?
Impossible Question
Web Tripping
It Really Happened In…
Box Office Report
Interesting Interviews
Best TiVo Bets
Timeline
CeleBirthdays
UCN SportsPrep
Cool Stuff to Share on Social Media

Today’s One-Liners

SEVERAL TIMES, THE PLAYING CARDS AND CLOTHESPINS FELL OFF
At the Rio Olympics over the weekend, cyclists were crashing and breaking their bikes on a cobblestone road that’s part of the course.***

***They were going to have Lance Armstrong come inspect the course. But they figured he would just hang out with the Russian athletes and their pharmacist.

 

PLUS AT RIO, YOU HAVE TO CATCH AND SHOOT YOUR OWN FOOD
American teen Virginia Thrasher won the first gold medal of the Rio Games in the 10 meter air rifle event.***

***For a teen, looking through the scope on an air rifle is easy. You’ve already practiced 10,000 hours staring into your phone.

 

TRUMP AS PRESIDENT? I JUST CAN’T SEE IT, SAID STEVIE
Michelle Obama threw a star studded 55th birthday party for President Obama on Friday night at the White House, including Nick Jonas, Al Roker, Stevie Wonder, Ellen DeGeneres and Usher.***

***Barack had a great time. He looked like the cat that swallowed the canary….which most school kids would prefer over Michelle’s school lunches.

 

DONALD TRUMP SHOWED UP, DEPORTED A RICKY RICARDO STATUE
A new statue of Lucille Ball was unveiled on Saturday in the late star’s home town of Celoron, New York, after the original statue was considered strange looking and scary.***

***This one really looks like Lucille Ball. Sometimes you need to watch out for your Ball, which is why Nick Cannon split with Mariah Carey.

 

WHICH IS TOUGHER: “SUICIDE SQUAD’S” MISSION OR BACK TO SCHOOL SHOPPING?

Weekend box office: “Suicide Squad” was #1 with a record $135 million, despite mostly negative reviews, “Jason Bourne” #2, “Bad Moms” #3.***

***In “Suicide Squad,” Harley Quinn is really deadly with her baseball bat. The New York Yankees are thinking that maybe she could replace A-Rod.

***In “Suicide Squad,” Harley Quinn is a totally hot blonde who loves a Joker. And in a related story, Dave Letterman says he might just come out of retirement to join the sequel.

 

WHO WILL BRING HOME THE GOLD-SLASH-E.COLI?
The Rio Olympics continue on Monday.***

***Monday will have a lot of the swimming events in the Rio waters. The U.S. swimmers have a good shot, right after they get their tetanus shot.

***America’s Olympic athletes may miss a few events. They have to hang around the Olympic village. The electrician is supposed to show up and fix the lights between 9 and 5.

 

WITH NEWEST POKÉMON CHARACTER, ZIKA-CHU
“Pokémon Go” was launched in Rio on Friday, just in time for the Olympic Games.***

***American athletes will be able to locate Pokémon during their down time. But as Americans, they couldn’t locate any of the other Olympic countries on a map.

 

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU OVEREXPOSED
TMZ reports that NBC’s stars of “The Voice” Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani are getting married and have hired a high-profile wedding planner. No date has been set.***

***They’re working on seating arrangements. Now if they could only find 500 chairs that turn around automatically.

Celebrity News

Caterina Scorsone, Rob Giles Expecting Second Child
“Grey’s Anatomy” star Caterina Scorsone is expecting baby No. 2. The 34-year-old actress’ rep confirmed Scorsone is pregnant and expecting with husband Rob Giles after the star debuted her baby bump at the Disney/ABC Television Critics Association party Thursday. Scorsone and Giles, a member of the rock band The Rescues, married in the actress’ hometown of Toronto, Canada, in 2009. The couple welcomed their first child, daughter Eliza, in 2012. Scorsone, who also played Amelia on “Private Practice,” was made a series regular on “Grey’s Anatomy” in Season 11. The long-running medical drama will return September 22nd on ABC.

 

Jenna Jameson Expecting Third Child
Jenna Jameson is expecting baby No. 3. The 42-year-old former adult film star announced she’s pregnant and expecting with fiancé Lior Bitton in a series of Instagram posts. “It’s official! I’m pregnant!” Jameson wrote before joking of her baby bump, “This is either from Cinnabon delights… Or I’m pregnant… LOL oh yeah, both! #cravings @liorbitt.” The child will be Jameson’s first with Bitton, whom she started dating in 2015. She is already mother to 7-year-old twin sons Journey and Jesse with ex-partner and MMA fighter Tito Ortiz. Jameson appeared in over 100 pornographic films before retiring in 2008. She shared her story in the 2003 autobiography “How to Make Love Like a Porn Star: A Cautionary Tale,” which spent six weeks on the New York Times Bestseller list.

 

Marilyn Manson Appears In Teaser Trailer For Season 3 Of ‘Salem’
WGN America has released a teaser trailer for its third season of “Salem, featuring guest star Marilyn Manson. “The 17th century-set, supernatural drama will return with fresh episodes on November 2nd. Shock rocker Manson will portray Thomas Dinley, “a barber and surgeon who is the go-to man in Salem for everything from a shave and a haircut to being leeched, bled, sliced open or sewn up,” the network said. “Salem” stars Janet Montgomery, Shane West, Seth Gabel, Ashley Madekwe, Tamzin Merchant, Elise Eberle, Iddo Goldberg, Joe Doyle and Oliver Bell.

 

Tyga Gives Kylie Jenner A Luxury Car For Her 19th Birthday
Rapper Tyga has presented his girlfriend, reality TV personality Kylie Jenner, with a Mercedes-Benz Maybach ahead of her 19th birthday, which is August 10th. The 26-year-old recording artist shared photos of the $200,000 vehicle with a big, red bow on Snapchat Saturday. “Happy early birthday to me,” Jenner said in her own social-media video. “Yay! I love you, T.”

 

Amber Heard Arrives Late For Johnny Depp Divorce Hearing
Amber Heard was greeted by her legal team after arriving 90 minutes late for her deposition on Saturday in Century City, California. The 30-year-old actress was required to show up at 10:00 a.m. after putting the deposition off several times. By 11:00 a.m., Amber still had not appeared at the building, according to TMZ. If she didn’t show up for the deposition, Johnny’s lawyers had the option of requesting a contempt citation. Amber ended up arriving for the deposition at 11:30 a.m., an hour and a half late. Heard filed for divorce from Depp in May after 15 months of marriage.

 

2016 TCA Awards
“The People vs. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story” tops this year’s Television Critics Association Awards. The FX show based on the true story collected three nods, including the coveted Program of the Year and Outstanding Achievement in Movies, Miniseries and Specials. The show’s star Sarah Paulson received Individual Achievement in Drama. Overall, FX dominates the winner list with four. Aside from the “People vs. O.J. Simpson” triple victory, the network added another win with “The Americans,” which won Outstanding Achievement in Drama. It’s the second year in row that the period drama series grabbed the title at the TCA awards. Lily Tomlin was feted with Life Achievement Award. This year’s TCA Award winners:

Program of the Year: “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story” (FX)

Outstanding Achievement in Drama: “The Americans” (FX)

Individual Achievement in Drama: Sarah Paulson – “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story” (FX)

Outstanding Achievement in Comedy: “Black-ish” (ABC)

Individual Achievement in Comedy: Rachel Bloom – “Crazy Ex-Girlfriend” (The CW)

Outstanding New Program: “Mr. Robot” (USA)

Outstanding Achievement in Movies, Miniseries and Specials: “The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story” (FX)

Outstanding Achievement in News and Information: “Full Frontal with Samantha Bee” (TBS)

Outstanding Achievement in Reality Programming: “Making a Murderer” (Netflix)

Outstanding Achievement in Youth Programming: “Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood” (PBS)

Heritage Award: “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” (CBS)

Career Achievement Award: Lily Tomlin

Music News

Country Cards Coming From Hallmark
Hallmark Cards has gone into a licensing agreement with Country Music Association to bring music from some of the most popular Country artists to the greeting card aisle. CMA member artists including Jason Aldean, Direks Bentley, Luke Bryan, Lady A, Mirnda Lambert, Little Big Town, Craig Morgan, Brad Paisley and Carrie Underwood will soon be singing at select Walmarts. The collection includes 12 song cards to help consumers recognize birthdays and other celebratory occasions. Priced at $4.99, each card features a 15-second sound clip from some of the artists’ top songs including No. 1 singles such as Underwood’s “All American Girl” and Paisley’s “Mud On the Tires.” The cards will appear in select Walmart stores in mid-October. The line will then be distributed through multiple retail channels nationwide by November.

 

Dean Martin’s Son Ricci Dies
The 62-year-old son of the late entertainer Dean Martin has been found dead in his Utah home. The exact cause of musician Ricci Martin’s death has not yet been determined. The younger Martin’s claims to fame include a collaboration with Carl Wilson of the Beach Boys on the album “Beached,” membership in the band Dino and the memoir “That’s Amore.” He also toured in a tribute show to his father, who died in 1995 at the age of 78.

 

Gregg Allman Cancels Shows Due To ‘Serious Health Issues’
Gregg Allman has canceled the rest of his summer concerts because he is undergoing treatment for unspecified, “serious health issues.” Allman’s website said the 68-year-old musician is currently under doctors’ care at the Mayo Clinic, but expects to be able to perform at his own Laid Back Festival at the Lakewood Amphitheatre in Atlanta on October 29th. All shows scheduled after that remain on his calendar as well.

 

Gwen Stefani, Blake Shelton Reportedly Hire Wedding Planner
Gwen Stefani and Blake Shelton appear to be getting hitched. The 46-year-old singer and 40-year-old country star have reportedly hired famed wedding planner Jerri Woolworth after months of marriage rumors. Woolworth, who is based in New York, has planned events for the NFL, the NHL and the Country Music Awards. Her office said they had “no comment” when asked about the celebrity couple. Stefani and Shelton confirmed their relationship in November after splitting from their respective spouses, Gavin Rossdale and Miranda Lambert, earlier in the year.

 

Dozens Injured By Collapsed Railing At Snoop Dogg And Wiz Khalifa Concert
A railing collapsed during a Snoop Dogg and Wiz Khalifa concert in New Jersey Friday night, injuring concert-goers who tumbled over each other. Video shows dozens of concert goers tumbling onto a concrete floor as the railing gave way shortly after the rappers appeared on a secondary stage at the BB&T Pavilion. Officials said a total of 42 people were taken to hospitals for treatment. The performers were ushered off the stage as the concert abruptly ended following the incident at about 10:30 p.m. A stadium announcer instructed the audience to stay calm as some concertgoers ran from the pile while some required help from others to limp away from the scene. A triage area was set up in the stadium parking lot and while the majority of the injuries included broken bones and other abrasions, one unidentified person was taken to Cooper Trauma Center with a critical injury.

 

Blues Traveler Postpones Shows Due To Emergency Surgery
Blue Traveler announced Friday that the band will postpone a series of shows due to an urgent health issue for frontman John Popper. Popper released a statement revealing that he has to undergo emergency surgery due to a spinal issue. “It is with profound regret and acknowledgement that out of necessity I must go under the knife for surgery and I mean fast. It seems that there is an issue with my spine that if treated quickly will ultimately have me up and running in 2 weeks. If neglected as it has been, it would be far worse to the point of paralysis so need to take care of this now,” said Popper. Popper tweeted further details about his surgery, revealing the artist was experiencing “drastic weakness in [his] right arm” and has “three vertebrae in my spine in my neck that have long been collapsed.” Thirteen shows have been canceled or rescheduled so far within the month of August, including their set at Ribfest and Taste of Lincoln Ave. Big Head Todd and the Monsters are scheduled to step in for the band at Ribfest.

 

Prince Estate Administrator Denies Plan To Sell Paisley Park
The administrator of Prince’s estate says it is not planning to sell Paisley Park, one day after asking a judge for permission to offer several Prince properties for sale. A court filing on Friday had included Paisley Park, Prince’s home and recording complex, among a list of properties that could be sold. But on Saturday, Bremer Trust issued a brief statement saying: “Bremer Trust, the special administrator for the Prince Rogers Nelson estate, has no plans to sell either Paisley Park or the property referred to as the “Purple Rain” house.” That Minneapolis house was filmed in Prince’s 1984 movie. Court papers filed by Bremer has asked a judge for permission to offer for sale nearly 20 properties owned by Prince worth an estimated $28 million.

 

24 Treated After Eating Drug-Laced Candy At Rap Concert
A Michigan man has been arrested on a felony drug-trafficking charge after two dozen concertgoers became ill from eating THC-laced candies at a northeast Ohio rap music festival. The Richland County Sheriff’s Office was holding 28-year-old Matthew Lee Gross, of Ypsilanti, in jail Sunday. A spokeswoman for OhioHealth hospital in Mansfield said 24 attendees of the EST 2016 festival at Ohio Dreams sports camp in Butler were treated with an overdose antidote Saturday after ingesting the candy packets. THC is the psychoactive compound in marijuana. The commander of a regional drug task force disagreed with characterizing people’s reactions as overdoses, saying no one lost consciousness. The festival was dubbed “The Last Weekend on Earth.” The festival, headlined by rapper Machine Gun Kelly, was set to continue through the weekend. About 3,000 people were at the music festival on Saturday.

 

Beyoncé, Jay Z And Stevie Wonder Celebrate President Obama’s Birthday
A host of musical stars, including Beyoncé, Jay Z and Stevie Wonder, all gathered at the White House to celebrate President Barack Obama’s birthday on Friday. First Lady Michelle Obama made sure her husband spent his 55th birthday – his last as a President – in style, hosting an epic party that also saw John Legend and Kendrick Lamar on the guest list. Usher, Sarah Jessica Parker, Jennifer Hudson, and the Democratic Party’s 2016 presidential nominee Hillary Clinton were also in attendance. Beyoncé and husband Jay Z jetted in from her “Formation World Tour” especially for the party, after the singer completed the European leg of her trek in Barcelona, Spain on Wednesday. Despite there being a reported social media ban on the event, several celebrities failed to contain their excitement at being invited to a presidential birthday bash. “@thecookiej and I getting ready to go to President Obama’s birthday party!” basketball icon Magic Johnson captioned a photo before heading out for the celebration. Director George Lucas, Ellen DeGeneres, along with wife Portia de Rossi, and Good Morning America news anchor Robin Roberts were snapped by fans on their way into the bash in Washington D.C. Kendrick Lamar and Usher provided the entertainment for the party.

Water Cooler Talk

Vanderlei De Lima Lights The Olympic Cauldron After Pele Withdraws Over Health Condition
The 2016 Rio Olympics has officially been kicked off. Brazilian marathoner Vanderlei de Lima lit the cauldron during the opening ceremony at Maracana Stadium in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, on Friday evening. De Lima wasn’t the first athlete chosen to do the honor. He filled in for the legendary soccer player Pele, who was forced to cancel his appearance just hours earlier due to the pain caused by his recent hip replacement surgery. Following Pele’s withdrawal from the event, De Lima became one of the strongest contenders to light the Olympic flame. The 46-year-old runner was considered a hero by his fellow Brazilians after being attacked by a protester during the 2004 Olympics in Athens. He was leading the race when the incident happened. He ended up finishing third, but was ultimately awarded the Pierre de Coubertin medal for sportsmanship.

 

The First Gold Medal Of Rio Goes To American Sharpshooter
An American teenager named Virginia Thrasher took home the first gold medal of the Rio Olympics Saturday morning for her win in the women’s 10-meter air rifle event. The 19-year-old student of West Virginia University is at her first Olympic Games, and she triumphed over two Chinese athletes, silver medalist Du Li and bronze medalist Yi Siling, who took gold in 2004 and 2012 respectively. Thrasher’s gold is the third time an American woman has won this event and the first time since 2000.

 

French Gymnast Suffers Gruesome Leg Break During Olympic Competition
A French gymnast competing in the Summer Olympics broke his leg so severely during competition Saturday that the crack of his bones could be heard throughout the stadium. Adding to the horror, medical personnel apparently lost control of the stretcher as they attempted to load him in to an ambulance, sending it crashing to the floor. Observers gasped when Samir Ait Said’s leg snapped as he made his vault landing. Said’s foot and lower leg dangled unnaturally in the wrong direction as he clutched his knee. He suffered both a broken tibia and fibia. Medical personnel rushed to the platform to tend to the injury, moving him to prevent any further damage. As they moved him on a stretcher, it appeared as if they lost control, dropping the stretcher before loading him in to an ambulance. The 26-year-old was performing in the men’s qualification event in the Rio Olympic Arena when the injury occurred, leaving him in agonizing pain. He was on the floor for several minutes before being removed. The French men’s gymnastics team had to continue to perform, but came in last in the qualifying round of 12 teams. Only the top eight teams move to the finals, scheduled for today. The French team reported on Twitter that Said underwent surgery and was doing well.

 

Facebook To Reduce Clickbait Headlines In News Feeds
Facebook said it plans to change its news feed algorithm to reduce “clickbait” news and give its 1.71 billion users “more of the stories they want to see.” The company said users will see fewer stories in their news feeds with sensationalized headlines intended to draw visitors, such as “When She Looked Under Her Couch Cushions And Saw THIS… I Was SHOCKED!” and “He Put Garlic In His Shoes Before Going To Bed And What Happens Next Is Hard To Believe.” Users will see fewer misleading and spammy headlines and more “authentic stories,” the company said.

 

Apple Offers Up To $200,000 To Hack Its Systems
Apple, maker of iPhone, iPad and Mac products, announced it will pay a “bounty” to hackers who uncover flaws and vulnerabilities in its technology. The security bounty, or so-called bug bounty, is aimed at rewarding hackers who submit the vulnerabilities to the company for preemptive repairs, the company announced at the Black Hat security conference in Las Vegas. The company will pay $200,000 for critical vulnerabilities, $25,000 for ways around Apple’s digital compartments and into customer data and $50,000 for ways into iCloud data.

 

All Russian Athletes Banned From Paralympic Competition Over Doping
The entire Russian Paralympic team has been suspended from competition by the International Paralympic Committee (IPC) because of doping allegations. “It’s a decision we’ve had to take in the best interests of the Paralympic movement,” said IPC President Sir Philip Craven on Sunday. Rumors that such a ban was coming began swirling Saturday, but the IPC insisted those reports were “pure speculation” until the official announcement was made. A number of Olympic athletes from the Russian delegation have already been banned from participation at Rio, though those decisions have been made on a case-by-case basis.

 

Hall Of Fame Game Canceled Due To Field Issues
The Hall of Fame game between the Green Bay Packers and Indianapolis Colts was canceled Sunday night because of unsafe field conditions at Tom Benson Stadium. David Baker, Hall of Fame president and executive director, said the “difficult” decision was made after consulting with the coaches from both teams. The stadium is now being used for a “fan fest,” and ticket holders will be refunded their money. The concerns were around the paint used on the midfield logo and in the end zones, with one Packers playing saying it was “like cement” in the midfield. Workers spent an hour spraying solvent in the areas and trying to make the field usable before the game was called off.

 

Michael Phelps Wins His 19th Olympic Gold Medal
Michael Phelps added to his record Olympic medal tally on Sunday night in Rio de Janeiro, winning his 19th gold and 23rd over Olympic medal, and this one was a group effort. Phelps swam the second leg of the men’s 4×100 free relay, helping Team USA complete the race in 3:09.92, half a second ahead of silver medal winner France; Australia got the bronze. Caeleb Dressel swam the first lap for the Americans, with Ryan Held taking the third leg and Nathan Adrian serving as team anchor. France was leading after the first leg, but not after Phelps completed an insane turn.

Our Weird World

Bees Escape In Walmart Parking Lot
Three people were taken to a hospital after an estimated 30,000 to 60,000 bees escaped and stung people in a Walmart parking lot in southeast Oklahoma City. Emergency Medical Services Authority spokeswoman Lara O’Leary says two people were transported in serious condition and the third was in good condition after being stung Saturday morning after the bees escaped from three hives. Each of the three injured are adults, but no other information about them was released. Oklahoma City Fire Battalion Chief Benny Fulkerson says the incident began about 10:30 a.m., when a person selling bee hives met a buyer in the parking lot and the bees escaped. Fulkerson says beekeepers were called and gathered the insects. He said a firefighter was also stung, but did not require medical attention.

-One-Liner: This story’s getting a lot of buzz online.

-One-Liner: This was Walmart so the staff in their blue vests got to meet some yellow jackets.

 

Fallen Purse Strands Disney Roller Coaster Riders For 45 Minutes
A roller coaster at Disney California Adventure was shut down for the third time this summer, this time because a woman’s purse fell on the tracks triggering an automatic shutoff, stranding a train full of riders for about 45 minutes. The California Screamin’ coaster was shut down while patrons were mid-ride on Saturday when the ride sensed a possible impediment on the track after a woman’s purse fell on it. A train carrying 15 passengers was stuck about 30 feet in the air. Eventually, firefighters arrived and lowered the riders to safety using a bucket truck. The California Screamin’ coaster has had a bumpy ride this year, after it was shut down twice in May because riders attempted to use selfie sticks while the ride was in motion. Disney selfie sticks from its parks earlier this year, in part due to safety concerns over patrons who trying to use them while rides are in motion. No injuries were reported in any of the incidents.

-One-Liner: On a rollercoaster, it’s hard to keep…track of your stuff.

 

Wardens Seize Mounted Polar Bear From Oklahoma Airport
Oklahoma game wardens have seized a mounted polar bear that had been on display at a Tulsa airport. Wardens confiscated the taxidermied bear Thursday night from Jones Riverside Airport. Tulsa County game warden Carlos Gomez said the bear was legally killed in 1969 in Alaska and brought to Oklahoma. The hunter died decades ago. His family members recently tracked down the bear at the Jones airport, where it had been on display. Gomez says the person who had been in possession of the bear didn’t have paperwork to prove ownership. Gomez says charges or citations are expected. He says the bear is valued at about $50,000.

-One-Liner: If the taxidermy bear was stolen, the thief could get stuffed in a jail cell.

-One-Liner: It’s a reminder those TSA lines are unbearable.

 

Ohio University To Get North American’s First Pizza ATM
Customers will soon be able to get pizza from an ATM at one Ohio University. Xavier University in Cincinnati has partnered with a French company to install the first Pizza ATM in North America. The company, Paline, says the machine will hold 70 pizzas at once. Customers will be able to use a touch screen to pick one of the $10 pizzas, which will be heated for several minutes, placed in a cardboard box and ejected through a slot. Paline says the pizza dispensers have been in Europe for 14 years. They’re typically in small towns, at gas stations or pizzerias. Xavier’s marketing director for auxiliary services, Jennifer Paiotti, said that she’s a New Yorker but considers the machine-dispensed pizza to be the best she’s ever had.

-One-Liner: I hope the college will get a slice of the profits.

-One-Liner: It’s really just another ATM that dispenses dough.

 

Rare Superman Comic Sold At Auction For Close To $1 Million
A rare copy of Action Comics #1, which marked the first appearance of Superman, was sold at an auction Thursday for close to $1 million. Heritage Auctions in Dallas sold the edition for $956,000 – which far surpassed the original estimate of $750,000. The comic, which debuted in June 1938, originally sold for $.10 a copy. There are about 100 copies of the issue believed to still be in existence. The issue came from a private collection and was purchased from a dealer in 1998 for $26,000. The Certified Guaranty Company graded the copy 5.5 out of 10.

-One-Liner: Superman’s from the planet Krypton. The seller still hasn’t come back down to Earth.

 

Police Find Drugs Stitched Into Footballs
Police in Oregon said an investigation into suspected credit card fraud led to two suspects who were actually concealing drugs inside of footballs. The Beaverton Police Department said officers opened up an investigation Wednesday when suspicious activity was reported at the Pepper Tree Motel in the city. Police said witnesses reported two men were loading large amounts of items from a motel room into a vehicle. Officers conducted a traffic stop, suspecting the men might be involved in credit card fraud, but an investigation of the items in the car revealed the men “were actually involved in the drug trade.” “After searching the vehicle, over 25 pounds of drugs, money and a loaded hand gun were found,” police said in a Facebook post. “There was 4.5 pounds of marijuana, 16.5 pound of marijuana laced edibles, 108 packages of marijuana laced cool-aid mix, over 3.5 ounces of heroin, an ounce of meth and an ounce of cocaine. Some of the drugs were located inside of footballs that had been re-stitched closed.” Markice Terrell Hall, 40, and Aaron Hibbler, 31, were arrested on felony and misdemeanor drug charges.

-One-Liner: The football drugs contain quite a kick.

-One-Liner: These balls could be used in a high scoring game.

 

6-Foot Alligator Removed From Massachusetts Backyard
Police in Massachusetts removed a large alligator from a backyard pen in Massachusetts on Thursday. West Springfield Police Sergeant Nolan Ryan said the gator, which measured about 6 feet long and weighed nearly 200 pounds, was being kept in a fenced-off area in a local backyard. Police received a call about an alligator being kept in the residential area on Main Street. Capt. Michael Banas said police did not know the identity of the alligator’s owner, or how long it had been living outside the home. “That’s not a baby alligator, that’s a full-grown alligator. He has been there for a while,” he said. “I don’t know what they are feeding it, where they are keeping it, how they are keeping it warm in the winter.” The gator was taken to Springfield’s Forest Park zoo where curator John Lewis said it would remain in an outdoor enclosure for the time being. Lewis also said the alligator appeared to be healthy despite being slightly overweight. Banas said the person who claimed to be the alligator’s owner was not cooperative, and that the investigation was turned over to the Massachusetts Environmental Police.

-One-Liner: I’m surprised the reptile didn’t scale the fence.

Lifestyles

Olympic Medal Standings
(At press time)

Country   Gold   Silver   Bronze   Total
1. United States 3 5 4 12
2. China 3 2 3 8
3. Australia 3 0 3 6
4. Italy 2 3 2 7
5. South Korea 2 2 1 5

 

‘Pokémon Go’ Is A Go For Rio Olympics
Niantic, creator of “Pokémon Go,” is rolling out the popular game for the Olympics in Rio de Janeiro after all. The augmented reality game became available in Brazil late Wednesday. Earlier reports suggested it would not be available during the games. “Pokémon Go” – which broke records for new app downloads when it was released in July – allows people to walk around in the real world and “catch” animated creatures, known as Pokémon. You can then upgrade the Pokémon, and battle other people’s Pokémon in “gyms” scattered around parts of the world. While the game blows through data plans and drains batteries, it also creates social situations. Dozens of people sometimes gather in spots where the Pokémon spawn, calling out when some of the more “rare” creatures pop up. Some 30 nations already have the game. The Olympics officially opened Friday in Brazil.

 

The 10 Most-Stolen Cars
It’s not flashy new models that car thieves are after these days. It’s 20-year-old Hondas. Two Honda models from the late 1990s top the National Insurance Crime Bureau’s latest annual “Hot Wheels” list. Last year, roughly 700,000 vehicles were stolen in the U.S. More than 100,000 of them were older model Honda Accords or Honda Civics, which are valued for parts and engines. The most popular model years for thieves were 1996 Accords and 1998 Civics, the NICB says. NICB attributes this partly to the older models’ lack of anti-theft technology. For example, the nonprofit reports that only 11,807 Accord and Civic models from 2010 through 2015 were stolen in the past six years. The top 10 “Hot Wheels” of 2015 were:

1. Honda Accord 52,244 total thefts last year
2. Honda Civic 49,430
3. Ford Pickup, full size 29,396
4. Chevrolet Pickup, full size 27,771
5. Toyota Camry 15,466
6. Dodge Pickup, full size 11,212
7. Toyota Corolla 10,547
8. Nissan Altima 10,374
9. Dodge Caravan 9,798
10. Chevrolet Impala 9,225

 

Olympics Medal Pay – And Taxes
America’s Olympic athletes compete for gold, and for the glory of the red, white and blue. If they do well, they also get a little green. Winning a gold, silver or bronze medal earns a financial reward for the victorious athlete. The U.S. Olympic Committee pays the following rates:

Gold: $25,000
Silver: $15,000
Bronze: $10,000

But the payout is not as great as it appears at first look. The earnings are considered to be regular income, subject to taxation, according to the nonprofit Americans for Tax Reform. A gold medalist from Team USA could end up facing a tax bill of $9,900 per gold medal, $5,940 per silver medal, and $3,960 per bronze medal. Those are the maximum tax amounts an athlete might pay, and the actual amount depends on their individual tax circumstances. Olympic athletes probably need every bit of their medal earnings. Unlike their counterparts in other nations, U.S. athletes receive no government financial support. Relatively few get stipends or health insurance benefits from the U.S. Olympic Committee. In fact, life as an Olympic athlete can be a hand-to-mouth existence, according to a 2012 survey by the U.S. Track and Field Athletes Association that noted the following:

– Approximately 50% of our athletes who rank in the top 10 in the USA in their event make less than $15,000 annually from the sport (sponsorship, grants, prize money, etc.) and

– Approximately 20% of our athletes in top 10 in the USA in their event make more than $50,000 annually.

– Athletes outside of a top 10 USA ranking, other than some sprinters, milers and distance runners, can expect to face very limited (if any) income support.

 

The Census Says…
Buying High

On this date in 1930, an offbeat sort of history was made when a stock trade order was placed from a zeppelin – an airship – off the Atlantic coast. This didn’t start a trend because the stock market had crashed and burned less than 10 months earlier, and a famous zeppelin crashed and burned just seven years later. While 810 million shares were traded in 1930, that was down significantly from 1929’s volume of 1.1 billion. The stock market took nearly 30 years, or until 1959, to return to the trading level of 1930. Zeppelins haven’t recovered anywhere near as much. About 14% of U.S. families own individual stocks, with a median value of $27,000, but an average of over $294,000, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.

Who Am I?

I initially aspired to become a concert pianist and attended the Los Angeles Conservatory of Music.

I roomed with Gene Hackman and Robert Duvall before becoming a star.

I won a 1966 Obie for “The Journey of the Fifth Horse.”

I made my film debut in 1967’s “The Tiger Makes Out”; “The Graduate” was my second film.

Three of my children had cameo appearances in 1991’s “Hook,” in which I played the title villain.

Dustin Hoffman

Impossible Question

If you still have VHS movies in your house, what is most likely movie you have a copy of? (The Lion King)

___________________

7% of adults say they don’t do this while driving because it “adds excitement.” What is it? (Use a turn signal)

___________________

You should replace this, after you’ve used it 2000 times. What is it? (Your coffee mug)

Web Tripping

www.natgeomaps.com/trail-maps/pdf-quads
The folks at National Geographic just did a favor for all the adventurous outdoor photographers out there. They put every U.S. Geological Survey (USGS) topographical map from across the United States on one easy-to-navigate site and made them easy to print out at home. If you’ve ever gone hunting topo maps via the USGS, you know that it can be a bit of a pain because, not only is finding the quad you’re looking for more difficult, the PDFs they have available aren’t formatted for standard printer paper. The National Geographic website solves both of these issues. First, the homepage greets you with a searchable, interactive map: all you have to do is search for or zoom in on the area you’re looking for. Then, once you find your quad, just click on it and a printable PDF loads right up. Best of all – it’s free!

It Really Happened In…

1995

– Kevin Eubanks officially becomes band leader of “Tonight Show.”

– OJ Simpson is found not guilty of the murders of his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ronald Goldman.

– The 55 mph limit imposed during the Middle East Crisis in 1973/1974 is ended.

– Steve Fossett Becomes the first person to make a solo flight across the Pacific Ocean in a hot air balloon.

– The DVD optical disc storage media format is announced.

Box Office Report

1. “Suicide Squad” $135.1 million
2. “Jason Bourne” $22.7 million
3. “Bad Moms” $14.2 million
4. “The Secret Life Of Pets” $11.6 million
5. “Star Trek Beyond” $10.2 million

Interesting Interviews

Kalliope Barlis – Controlling Your Phobias
Millions of people are afraid of snakes and spiders. In fact, when Gallup asked, 51% of Americans admitted being afraid of snakes. The good news is there’s no need to jump out of your seat, scream, or run away when faced by the real thing this summer or even in a picture, not when Kalliope Barlis, an expert on releasing phobias, is in the house. Barlis can explain why we fear what we do and how we can gain control of our feelings and reactions to live happier lives, whether we are terrified of writhing snakes, biting spiders or anything else. Barlis is a Licensed Trainer of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Acupuncture) and doctor of acupuncture whose upcoming book is “Replay Your Game.”

(Stations: To schedule an interview with Kalliope Barlis, contact her at 718.751.5105 or email ask@buildingyourbest.com)

Best TiVo Bets

Daytime Lineup:
Live! With Kelly (Syn) Curtis “50 Cent” Jackson, Julia Stiles, A Great Big World, guest co-host Jim Parsons
The View (ABC) Simon Helberg, Alessia Cara
Dr. Phil (Syn) “Hoarding Ultimatum: Your Junk Or Me”
The Ellen DeGeneres Show (Syn) Queen Latifah, Marlon Wayans (R 1/7/16)
Rachael Ray Show (Syn) “‘Wedding in a Week’ Kicks Off With an Epic Surprise Proposal! Plus, Brandy Norwood!”
The Wendy Williams Show (Syn) Kirstie Alley, Ellie Krieger (R 1/7/16)
The Talk (CBS) Bryce Dallas Howard
The Meredith Vieira Show (Syn) Theresa Caputo, Bethenny Frankel, “Property Brothers” Jonathan & Drew Scott, Nene Leakes, Jon Taffer, Rev Run (R 5/24/16)
The Real (Syn) Mehcad Brooks (R 11/9/15)
Primetime Lineup:
Bachelor in Paradise (ABC)
Mistresses (ABC)
Mom (CBS)
2 Broke Girls (CBS)
Mom (CBS)
The Odd Couple (CBS)
Scorpion (CBS)
Olympic Zone (NBC)
Olympics 2016 Primetime (NBC)
So You Think You Can Dance (FOX)
 
Late Night Lineup:
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (NBC) Pre-empted
Late Night With Seth Meyers (NBC) Pre-empted
The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (CBS) John Oliver, Jai Courtney, Charlamagne Tha God, DMC (R 7/27/16)
Late Late Show with James Corden (CBS) Matt LeBlanc, Alison Brie, Eliot Sumner (R 6/14/16)
Last Call with Carson Daly (NBC) Pre-empted
Jimmy Kimmel Live (ABC) David Spade, Ozzy & Jack Osbourne, the Strokes (R 7/26/16)
Conan (TBS) Snoop Dogg, Steve Wozniak, the Record Company (R 3/7/16)
Tavis Smiley (PBS) Patti Smith (R 1/22/16)
The Daily Show With Trevor Noah (Comedy Central) TBA
The Nightly Show With Larry Wilmore (Comedy Central) DJ Drama
Watch What Happens Live (Bravo) Terry Dubrow, Paul Nassif
At Midnight (Comedy Central) Jason Biggs, Beth Stelling, Hari Kondabolu
Chelsea (Netflix) N/A

Timeline For Monday, August 8, 2016

1899 The refrigerator is patented by A.T. Marshall.
1963 Britain’s “Great Train robbery” takes place as thieves make off with 2.6 million pounds in banknotes.
1964 The Rolling Stones hold their first Dutch concert.
1969 Sharon Tate, wife of director Roman Polanski, and four others were murdered by members of Charles Manson’s “family.”
1970 Janis Joplin buys a headstone for the grave of blues singer Bessie Smith, one of Joplin’s idols.
1974 President Nixon announces his resignation, effective the next day, following damaging new revelations in the Watergate scandal.
1975 Hank Williams, Jr. falls 500 feet down a mountain in Montana. He returned to music after, two years of surgeries.
1978 Odie makes his first appearance in the Garfield comic strip.
1978 The U.S. launches Pioneer Venus 2, which carried scientific probes to study the atmosphere of Venus.
1982 Mickey Thomas (Jefferson Starship) marries Sara Kendrick.
1986 David Crosby is released from prison after serving a sentence for drug and weapons possession.
1987 “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” by U2 peaks at No. 1.
1992 “This Used To Be My Playground” by Madonna peaks at No. 1.
2006 The Federal Reserve leaves a benchmark interest rate unchanged after 17 consecutive rate hikes over more than two years.
2006 Roger Goodell is chosen as NFL’s next commissioner.
2006 Travis Barker (Blink-182) files for a divorce from ex-beauty queen Shanna Moakler.
2006 “James Blunt – Chasing Time: The Bedlam Sessions” DVD by James Blunt is released.
2007 An EF2 tornado touches down in Kings County and Richmond County, New York State, the most powerful tornado in New York to date and the first in Brooklyn since 1889.
2008 John Edwards admits to having had an affair with his former videographer, Rielle Hunter.
2008 Clay Aiken has his first child with partner Jaymes Foster-Levy – a boy he names Parker Foster Aiken.
2008 Games of the XXIX Olympiad begin in Beijing, China.
2012 Country star Randy Travis is charged with DUI after being found drunk and naked after crashing his car near his home in Texas.
2013 Actress Karen Black dies from cancer at age 74.

Today: Assistance Dog Day – Dalek Day – Earth Over Shoot Day or Ecological Debt Day – Happiness Happens Day – International Cat Day – Odie Day – Sneak Some Zucchini onto Your Neighbor’s Porch Day – The Date to Create

– Trivia: How old is Garfield’s pal Odie? (36)

– Trivia: Who is the current chairman of the Federal Reserve? (Janet L. Yellen)

– One-Liner: On this day in 1964, the Rolling Stones had their first concert in the Netherlands and the rowdy crowd there started a riot. Mick Jagger ran to the security guards for protection but we all know he’s given up using protection these days.

CeleBirthdays For Monday, August 8, 2016

Richard Anderson (The Six Million Dollar Man: Oscar)-90
Nita Talbot (Hogan’s Heroes: Marya)-86
Mel Tillis (Country singer / The Villain: Telegraph Agent)-84
Dustin Hoffman (The Graduate: Ben Braddock / Rain Man: Raymond Babbitt / Hook: Captain Hook)-79
Connie Stevens (Hawaiian Eye)-78
Phil Balsley (The Statler Brothers)-77
Larry Wilcox (CHiPs: Officer Jon Baker)-69
Keith Carradine (Dexter: Special Agent Frank Lundy / Madam Secretary: President Conrad Dalton)-67
Airrion Love (The Stylistics)-67
Jamie O’Hara (Country singer)-66
Robin Quivers (Howard Stern sidekick)-64
Donny Most (Happy Days: Ralph Malph)-63
Dennis Drew (10,000 Maniacs)-59
Chris Foreman (Madness)-60
Deborah Norville (Inside Edition)-58
Harry Crosby (Friday the 13th: Bill)-58
The Edge (U2)-55
Rikki Rockett (Poison)-55
Kool Moe Dee (Rapper)-54
Ralph Rieckermann (Film Score Composer)-54
Scott Stapp (Ex-Creed)-43
Mark Wills (Country singer)-43
Kohl Sudduth (Grosse Pointe: Quentin King)-42
Tom Linton (Jimmy Eat World)-41
J.C. Chasez (‘N Sync)-40
Drew Lachey (98 Degrees)-40
Tawny Cypress (Heroes: Simone Deveaux / K-Ville: Ginger “Love Tap” LeBeau)-40
Marsha Ambrosius (Floetry)-39
Lindsay Sloane (Sabrina, the Teenage Witch: Valerie Birkhead)-39
Countess Vaughn (The Parkers: Kimberly Ann Parker)-38
Michael Urie (Ugly Betty: Marc St. James)-36
Roger Federer (Tennis player)-35
Meagan Good (My Wife and Kids: Vanessa Scott)-35
Ken Baumann (The Secret Life of the American Teenager: Ben Boykewich)-27
Shawn Mendes (Singer)-18

– Trivia: Meagan Good made her film debut in what 1995 comedy? (Friday)

– Trivia: Who won the Best Song Oscar for “I’m Easy,” which he wrote and performed in Robert Altman’s 1975 film “Nashville? (Keith Carradine)

– One-Liner: Keith Carradine is 67 today. He plays the president of the U.S. in the CBS show “Madam Secretary.” Given how the current campaign is going, maybe we could ask him to step up.

 



UCN SportsPrep

 

THAT FRENCH GYMNAST!
The most gruesome moment of the Summer Olympics occurred when France's Samir Ait Said (Sa-MEER ah-EET sah-EED) broke his leg after a horrific landing in the men's gymnastics vault competition.

***The good news: Said landed a huge endorsement deal with Tylenol.

 

THAT USA ARCHER!
American Brady Ellison took a silver medal in Olympic archery and won 1st place in the Leonardo DiCaprio lookalike competition.

***Our microphone caught Ellison on the podium for the award:

Download Leonardo DiCaprio king of the world




 

THAT DUTCH CYCLIST!
Annemiek van Vleuten went head over heels through her handlebars in a horrible crash just 6 miles from winning a gold medal at the Summer Olympics.

***The good news: van Vleuten got a gold medal in the one-meter bicycle seat dive.

***TOPIC: Open the phones for worst bicycle crash stories.

 

MICHAEL PHELPS!
The US swimmer won another gold medal (his 19th) along with his 4x100 meter relay teammates.

***NFL star JJ Watt tweeted: "Phelps is a fish."

***Hockey commentator Gord Miller tweeted...

All-time Summer Olympic gold medals:

Michael Phelps 19
Argentina 18
Austria 18
Jamaica 17


 

PRO FOOTBALL HALL OF FAME
Kevin Greene, Brett Favre, and Marvin Harrison were among the star NFL inductees at this weekend's ceremonies in Canton, Ohio. Favre recalled his admiration as a kid for Kenny Stabler, who was inducted posthumously this weekend:

Download Brett Favre retires recalls Stabler



Favre also had a great line about his mother-in-law:

Download Brett Favre retires mom in law line





***From our archives, a musical tribute to Favre, with apologies to Nickelback:


Download Brett Favre Nickelback




 

A-ROD DONE
The New York Yankees held a Sunday press conference to announce the end of 41-year-old third baseman Alex Rodriguez' career. His $20 million salary this year and next year are guaranteed. His final game will be August 12th and he will continue serving as a Yankee consultant and ambassador. Here's part of his speech:

Download EMOTIONAL Alex Rodriguez ARod Announces Retirement Press Conference





***He's hitting only .204 this year and is more like D+ Rod! Or F-Rod!


 

JIM FURYK
The veteran golfer playing in Sunday's final round of the Travelers Championship shot 58, an all-time record low on the PGA Tour.

***I shot also 58 this weekend. Then I played the back 9.

 

 

Cool Stuff to Share on Social Media

The Emoji New Moms Really Need

SOCIAL BLURB: MOM FTW!

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Toddler Tests His Mettle in Maryland Deathfest Mosh Pit

SOCIAL BLURB: Duck… Duck… Goose!

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If Songs That Use the Word ‘Baby,’ Were Literally About Babies

SOCIAL BLURB: Adorably creepy.

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Panoramic Photos That Went Horribly Wrong

SOCIAL BLURB: Looking goooooood!

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Town Replaces ‘Scary’ Lucille Ball Statue

SOCIAL BLURB: Whaaa!

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10 Positive Habits That Could Change Your Life

SOCIAL BLURB: You posses the power.

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American Comedy With Universal Appeal